Feeling...uh...I dunno

Sometimes it takes a little while for my feelings to settle in.  When I found out on Tuesday that I have carpal tunnel syndrome (CTS), I immediately had a mish-mash of feelings, really.  They ranged from aha-I-knew-it to shit-what-am-I-gonna-do-now to why-am-I-falling-apart-physically-at-37 to thank-the-sweet-lord-I-don't-have-to-practice-anymore.  Three days later, as reality kicks in and I now have to rethink my future career options, I simply don't know how to feel.  I guess I just feel a little lost now. 

I had been training for the past year to become a stenographer.  I even went part-time at my job so I could train more consistently, much to the chagrin of my husband.  (No, he was NOT a happy husband when I told him I wanted to cut my hours, therefore my salary, in half and spend over $5,000 to train myself for a new career.)  There was always something I could be doing to improve my skills (not that I did much other than put my time in practicing), and I was always preoccupied with keying the steno in my head of what people were saying on TV.  Movies were always easier than the news because at least people paused between sentences so I could catch up!  Now, the couple of hours almost every day that I spent practicing are mine to do, hmm, uh, what, anything, right?  Do what I wanted to do but couldn't because I had speed to build and difficult polysyllabic words to conquer!  Instead, I find myself not knowing what to do.  And all this freaking snow doesn't help--I can't even go for a walk!  I get bored with the television.  There's only so much Dr. Phil I can watch, and "Last Chance Harvey" or "You Don't Mess with the Zohan" are the only movies that seem to be on Starz anymore.  So, I log onto Facebook obsessively.  No, Okim, not much has changed since you logged on five minutes ago.  I open the fridge and peer in at least five or six times a day.  Note to self: go grocery shopping.  Hell, I'm even considering doing a little [GASP!] work on my day off.  WHAT???  Have I lost my mind?  Well, I am hourly after all, and I'll get paid for it, so what difference does it make?  Still, it's WORK!  Okay, so maybe that option is out.  I guess I could always exercise.  Ugh.  I am so out of shape.  Excuses, excuses.  Sigh.

I hate to sound like a complete dork, but steno really was a big part of me.  That little machine with 24 keys sitting in front of me, that receipt-sized paper spitting out purple, non-descript words as I hit the keys to: "How fast were you going when you hit the other automobile?"  That's: HOU/FA*S/PRU/GO/-G/WHU/HEUT/-T/OER/AUBL/STPH in steno.  (Yes, I know, I'm a total nerd.)  And now that I can't do it anymore, there is definitely a void, like something is missing from my life.  I am lamenting my loss.  I guess I DO know how I'm feeling now.  SAD.  Steno, I will miss you dearly and you will always be in my blood.